All of my life I have known that I want to be a mom one day. From baby dolls to babysitting I never doubted my ability to become a mom. In my heart I knew that one day, one way or another, I would get to tell a sweet child that I was their mama.
It wasn’t until last year that I began to doubt my ability at handling motherhood. I have been a nanny for many families and have tons of experience. But all the experience in the world can’t prepare you for those moments when your mental health declines. I will share more on this later this month but almost a year ago now I began to struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. As months passed things got better, but I still find myself struggling to figure out who I am.
The desire to have a child hasn’t left my heart but I knew that during my anxiety I was in no shape to be taking care of my own child 24/7. Now that my anxiety has gotten much better I have been feeling that strong desire again. I am beginning to feel like having a baby wouldn’t crumble my already fragile state. So that brings me to this post.
I decided that in order to get Logan on board with the baby train sometime in the next couple years, I needed to prove to him that I was ready to be a mom. I needed to show him that I could handle all the ups and downs of motherhood. I needed to prove to myself that I was strong enough to do it.
Day 1: So of course the day I decided to start, I had come down with a cold. I felt tired, congested, and just wanted to sit on the couch watching movies all day. I remember telling Logan about how being sick with a baby or kids wouldn’t be so bad, we could just watch movies together all day…He didn’t seem to be too impressed so I knew I had to step up my game.
Day 2: Along with the cold, we were also hosting some friends of Logan’s over the weekend. This meant the house needed to be cleaned, meals needed to be planned, and activities needed to be figure out. So I mustered up the energy to clean up the house and make the plans. By the time his friend arrived, everything was pretty great. I thought this day was pretty successful. As we walked downtown, I dreamed of the day I will wear a little one in a baby carrier or push them in the stroller. I could handle it today!
Day 3: As we sent one friend off for his mission work in the city, we prepared for another friend to come. We had a couple hours and we were exhausted. We sat on the couch and watched some tv while we waited. I felt like a failure for not keeping my chipper attitude and working on things around the house. I don’t even have kids to chase and I’m tired from going on walks and running errands with my husband… At the end of the night we both were recharged as our friend arrived so we went bowling. As we bowled I leaned over to Logan and said “This would be so fun to do once a month with our kids as a family outing!” I could handle that with kids. Or at least I think I could…
Day 4: Sunday is normally a church day for us but since we had a friend staying with us we decided to do a little more sight seeing downtown. We had tons of fun and once again I felt capable of having kids there with us. Then once his friend left I felt pretty good still. We ended up having a night to just relax, but hey you can relax with kids sometimes too, right??
Day 5: Monday morning we woke up in good moods and ready to face the day. It was the holiday weekend so we were happy to have another day together. We made a big healthy breakfast and went for a two-mile walk. Sometime on the way back from the walk I lost it. With my cold still lingering I felt pretty awful. I ended up having to take a nap on the couch before I could handle doing anything else (I never take naps so that was really strange). Later that day I felt a bit better so we went to pick up his friend who just got back from the missions trip in the city. We went for another walk while I was face timing my mom. We got back and I was tired again but, I fought through it to make some dinner and work on the blog. I also managed to clean the kitchen but, of course, while I did that I had an emotional breakdown. I felt some anxiety come over me and it always makes me very emotional. I was upset because I loved the people in my life so much (yes I am a typical emotional girl who cries about random things like that). Inside I was thinking, how can I bring another baby into a world with so much pain in it. God and Logan comforted me and eased the lies weighing down on me. As we sat down for dinner, I felt exhausted. I couldn’t even finish my dinner. I blame it on something weird I ate for breakfast because my stomach wasn’t feeling all that great either. I laid on the couch and watched some TV the rest of the night.
That night I rolled over to face Logan when we went to bed. I told him all that I had been up to. I confessed that I was trying to act strong in order to prove that I could handle having kids.
He just looked at me, smiled, and wrapped me in his arms. He tells me how he knows I will be a great mom and I have nothing I need to prove for it. I told him how I felt like a failure.
I look back at moments where I would have had a really hard time caring for myself and a child. How do moms do it? How do you know when you are ready?
I did realize a TON this week. I don’t have to pretend to be a strong independent woman because in all honesty that is just not who I am. BUT I do have a good God who gives me His strength. Even though there are times were I felt weak and like I wouldn’t be able to handle it, God is my strength and won’t give me more than I can handle. Its just hard to remember that in the moment though, right?
Later this month I will be sharing what I’ve learned since dealing with this anxiety as I approach the one year mark to when it started. But be encouraged friends because God is good and through those times of darkness, I have drawn near to Him and He has drawn near to me.
Also one more thing I want to add: Moms…You amaze me. Whether I know you personally, you are my mom, you are about to become a mom, or I get the privilege to see your life through Instagram you all are such an encouragement and inspiration to me. Each day I think about how hard it might be to do simple tasks with kids around, but watching you all conquer each day (some days with a little more grace, and that’s totally okay) shows me that I too can handle it one day.
All in all this weekend I learned that God will prepare me for whatever He has for me and I don’t need to worry about it! When the time comes I can have peace knowing that God is for me and I have a wonderful husband who puts up with my shenanigans and will make a great dad one day.
Disclaimer: We are not trying to have a baby right now, but if you know me then you know I always have baby fever and I like to think about what it would be like!